As the summer approaches, more and more people are going to the beach, for bonfires, surfing and a day in the sun. And with the changing climate turns a heated dispassion for a certain misunderstood creature: Jaws, the most well known shark from the string of Hollywood movies since the 70’s. Along with a string of celebrities calling foul, ‘Jaws’ has come out in public to claim he has been the victim of slander for the past 40 years. In an attempt to better understand this creature, JNN has sent a reporter to interview ‘Jaws’ to get his side of the story.
R: Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. Jaws, I understand this can’t be an essay topic for you
J: The truth needs to be heard, and for the record, my name is Bruce.
J: Yes, that is correct.
R: But the films are called ‘Jaws’
J: Yeah, Steven didn’t think that ‘Bruce’ would draw an audience and decided to go ahead and change the title without telling me.
R: Okay Mr. Bruce, let’s get started. Looking back how do you feel about your breakout role?
J: I think it’s the greatest malignment to ever come out of Hollywood, and no one knows about it.
J: Yeah, the name of the film is ‘Jaws’, I’m the main character, and yet they they totally forgot about me. Did I win Best Actor? No, I wasn’t even invited to the Academy Awards, oh but Roy Schnider went everywhere, let me tell you I carried every scene with him in it!
R: Uh, you don’t have to be a, you know, human to be an actor.
J: Watch it, that’s animalist!
R: Right… so is there anything else that made you feel slighted?
J: Yeah, it was like the whole cast was against me.. Like I was the bad guy or something-
R: You were.
J: No! That is exactly what they want you to believe. I was a trooper man, I did my own stunts, I got harpooned, hooked, barreled and shot at, and after the movie wrapped, when they, when they were partying. I was in ICU because Roy decided it would be funny to shoot me while I was carrying explosive gas! And instead of reprimanding him, Spielberg kept it in the film!
R: So it’s fair to say that you didn’t get along with your fellow castmates?
J: No, none of them liked me.
R: Well isn’t that bound to happen when you eat half the cast?
J: Oh come on, that was ACTING, I spat (most) of them out!
R: Isn’t that a little unprofessional?
J: What? But shooting me with a .50 cal is?
R: Point taken. So what is it that you want the people to know?
J: I want people to know that ‘Jaws’ is a lie. Every time the character was harassed and lashed out. That chick swimming naked in the beginning, first off, who swims at four in the morning (besides the swim team)? I was sleeping after a long audition call and she wakes me up, so I swim around trying to tell her ‘hey, please leave. I’m really tired and I’d like to get some sleep.’
R: Oh so that’s what that was?
J: Right, it was underwater though so it didn’t translate well. But so after my words didn’t work, I tried to drag her to shore to where she was on the character’s property, but she starts freaking out and trying to escape, so I bit down a little harder to get a better grip, and well, she split in half.
R: Wow doesn’t that change the film! So, you’re claiming that she was trespassing and it was all a misunderstanding?
J: That’s correct.
R: Well what about you attacking the guy in the boat?
J: WEll if someone drives a BMW into your living room how would you feel?
R: So if this claim is true then why didn’t the movie develop this dynamic?
J: Apparently a crazed shark played better to the audience. I tried to add depth to my character, but every ad-lib I tried to add came out as bubbles.
R: What about you attacking Roy’s character?
J: Oh I just don’t like Roy.
R: Fair enough, well thank you for your time, Bruce.
J: Sure, not like I get a whole lot of attention anymore. The last thing I did was a bit in that cartoon about finding some kid who got separated from his family.
R: Oh, that was you in Finding Nemo?
J: No, Home Alone in the boat scene. They cut it out of the final film but you can see my fin when MaCulay Culkins goes to see the Statue of Liberty.
R: Thank you for your time.
And there you have it, the true story behind ‘Jaws’ and the result for the actor who starred in it.
For JNN- this is the Reporter.